I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
