Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
