You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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