If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
