My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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