in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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