i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
