he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
