What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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