ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
God I need to hump something, right now.
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