I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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