I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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