I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
