Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
