Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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