The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
