i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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