if you like me you must not know who I am
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize