Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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