I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am midnight drunk by noon
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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