She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All the doctor said was why
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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