Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
