Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
