He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So vagazzling was a success
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
