Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
