you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
