Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
