I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
