i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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