This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
