It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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