just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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