Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
