I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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