True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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