he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
