It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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