i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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