Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
