I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
