Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
