i would punch a child for taco bell
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
