I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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