I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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