he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
