someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
