I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
