I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
