nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've blown a few things in my day
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
