I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
