i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
