if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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