This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
