So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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