One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
