He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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