listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
