i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
