my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
